On days like today, I am just tired of having ADHD. I’m tired of not being able to be an adult, in so many of the ways that matter. I’m tired of having chronic symptoms that DO have a name (see, labels aren’t all bad all the time!), but have a name which I can’t repeat along the marble halls of the ivy towers (really, they’re just cement halls-and there is a sorrowful lack of ivy here). I am tired of hearing people around me claim to sympathize, saying “I was late on a paper once,” or “Yeah, I get bored easily too!” I am tired of being a cautionary tale. I am tired of being scared to check my email. I am tired of preparing for months and then having to write a paper from memory because I don’t know what I did with all that preparation or where the time went. I am tired of professors being confused (or worse, wary) that I didn’t seem to understand the requirements for the course.
I am tired if not realizing that a situation is bad until it is Way. Too. Bad.
I am tired of knowing that if I do eventually get my PhD, I will be an exception and not the norm. I am tired of knowing that it is possible, but not probable, for me to achieve my goal.
Luckily, though, even if I fail at this goal, I’ll probably have a new goal in a year or two. I’ll probably have a lurking sense of sadness and confusion, but I probably won’t remember the specifics. Oh well, no big deal. I just can’t help myself. I mean, I have ADHD.