Tag Archives: personal

Why I don’t hate Facebook

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This post is intended as a bit of a comeback to the anti-social networking rants I keep seeing on Facebook.*  I’m writing in particular about the personal use of Facebook.  While I’ll readily admit that there are downsides to any new technology, for me, the positives of social networking sites for personal use far outweigh the negatives. So here they are:

~Personalities:  My relatives are people?!  This is probably self-evident. Yet, I (and I think a lot of us) never really thought about my elders as being actual people, with flaws, skills, opinions, triumphs, failures, and stories. Granted, I may have been better off knowing about some of the wacky political leanings of some of my loved ones, but I’m willing to know a little too much in order to know them as people.

~Distance: I can’t have dinner with my sisters, or ride the carousel with my godsons. But I can read about it later, and despite the time difference, I have conversations about what went down via comments and instant messages.

~Shyness:  I was already really shy.  Contrary to many of the anti-networking rants, the Internet didn’t make me a social recluse. I was already the chick who brings a book to weddings and ditches parties thirty minutes into the shindig. Forcing face to face contact tends to make me clam up or put on a show. By removing myself somewhat, I can relax, and ease into social interactions via written comments, messaging, etc.

~Think–>Speak (write). We all say things we don’t mean, but, at least for me, I have much more luck explaining myself, being kind, and expressing myself clearly, when I write things out. I edit them. I think about the sources of my opinions, and the context in which they’re being received by those around me. I’m sure some people really don’t think before they hit “Enter,” but I do. And I think a lot of other people do, too.

~Information changes really quickly these days. How many phone numbers do you remember now, as opposed to ten years ago? The number is probably far smaller. People get new phone numbers, addresses, email address, etc pretty often. Social networking sites let you keep in touch, advertise your new info, and make sure that you don’t accidentally leave people out.

~Photos: I have friends and loved ones who hail from countries where internet access and use isn’t as common as it is in North America. One friend, whose parents are elderly, has lived in North America for almost ten years, now. His parents don’t use the internet, and although he calls them every week, he is still in for a major shock every time he visits. Recently, he started mailing them photos of himself every once in a while, but they can’t send photos back. It makes me appreciate the photographic connection I have with my family and friends via Facebook. I see the little moments in their lives, as well as the big ones. In addition, since posting photos to Facebook has become so prevalent, my family members actually take a lot more photos! Their kids will have a better record of their childhoods, too.

~Planning: It’s not easy to sync up schedules with my big family. When I come to visit, it’s rarely for more than a week or so. Thinking of things to do, letting everyone know the whens and wheres — we use social networking sites to facilitate a LOT of this planning. Consequently, when I am in town, I actually get more face time with them than I would if this were not the case!

~Potential new friends.  It’s a pretty common story.  You meet someone new, and you think you might want to be friends.  But either: a) the contact is never made.  Maybe you didn’t get their email/phone, or you forgot for a while and then feel like it’s too late. Or, b) you succeed in making the effort (or responding to their efforts), and then realize that this person is probably not someone you want to spend a whole lotta time with.   As for me, A happens more often than B, but they’re still both pretty common.  Facebook lets me to keep up with a potential friend, to feel out whether or not we might have a connection (or a real disconnect!).  Then I can proceed at a more natural pace.  I can include them in general invites, ask them out for an activity in which we seem to share an interest, etc.

~Branch out with old friends:  I’ve been a denizen of the ‘Net for years.  Some of my closest friendships started online (some people, I’ve never even met face to face!).  However, when I started making friends online, it was because we were in the same Yahoo! Group.  Thus, our friendship was pretty much predicated on our common interest in a given topic.  Facebook has really allowed me to flesh out my friendships, and find a connection beyond our specific shared interest.

~Birthdays: Last but not least, BIRTHDAYS! I have trouble remembering my partner’s birthday, let alone those of my friends, cousins, aunts, etc. Posting a birthday wish on someone’s account is free, it’s easy, and –yep — it’s still genuine. When it’s my birthday, and my wall is filled with well wishes, I really appreciate the warm fuzzies I get. Sure, even without the help of Facebook, I know that these people care about me. That little ping on my wall sure feels great, though.

* (Is using Facebook to hate one Facebook ironic?  Or is it just self-defeating, like using Freud to discredit Freud?).

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Tired of my AD/HD

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On days like today, I am just tired of having ADHD. I’m tired of not being able to be an adult, in so many of the ways that matter. I’m tired of having chronic symptoms that DO have a name (see, labels aren’t all bad all the time!), but have a name which I can’t repeat along the marble halls of the ivy towers (really, they’re just cement halls-and there is a sorrowful lack of ivy here). I am tired of hearing people around me claim to sympathize, saying “I was late on a paper once,” or “Yeah, I get bored easily too!” I am tired of being a cautionary tale. I am tired of being scared to check my email. I am tired of preparing for months and then having to write a paper from memory because I don’t know what I did with all that preparation or where the time went. I am tired of professors being confused (or worse, wary) that I didn’t seem to understand the requirements for the course.

I am tired if not realizing that a situation is bad until it is Way. Too. Bad.

I am tired of knowing that if I do eventually get my PhD, I will be an exception and not the norm. I am tired of knowing that it is possible, but not probable, for me to achieve my goal.

Luckily, though, even if I fail at this goal, I’ll probably have a new goal in a year or two. I’ll probably have a lurking sense of sadness and confusion, but I probably won’t remember the specifics. Oh well, no big deal. I just can’t help myself. I mean, I have ADHD.

Don’t forget who your friends are!

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I think (and this is just my humble, non-medical opinion!) that part of having ADHD involves loneliness. I’m sure there are many reasons for this, but at least one reason is that we truly forget who our friends are. As in, we actually don’t remember them.

It might sound really contradictory, what with most of us ADHDers getting notes in our report cards reading something like “interrupts others,” or “socializes with others while trying to work.” Really though, at least for me, it can really be outta sight, outta mind with everything-even friends.

Consequently, as an adult, I’ve sat alone on far too many Friday nights, a little confused, lonely, and bored. It feels like people often enjoy my company, but where are they all? In actuality, I think the problem is two-fold. First, I actually forget the names of my friends, that they even exist, etc! Second, I tend to make acquaintances-lots of them!-who could probably become friends, but then I forget about them, and literally miss the chance to really become friends, thus leaving me with fewer friends.

The solution for me isn’t a failsafe, by any means, but it does help a little. I literally keep a list of “people I could potentially hang out with” taped to my wall. Yes. I realize that could come off as a little odd, but you’d be surprised how much it helps! That helps the first part of the problem, anyway.

For the second part of my problem, the acquaintance enigma, I use my online address book. I save someone’s email, name, and in the notes section, I make SURE to write a sentence about where I know them from and my impression of them. Ex: “Met at conference. She is in a similar field, and seems pretty fun. Has a fiancé from Bulgaria who is a Latino Studies PhD.” For this, I’d recommend Google contacts, since it syncs with any smart phone (and having ADHD, your phone can really be a great tool for keeping yourself on the sane map in this crazy world!).

Anyhow. Just a tip on how to cope. Chances are, you either have more friends than you think you do, or you have more acquaintances waiting to become friends than you even remember! People will usually feel neutral or happy about hearing that their company is wanted. So go for it!

Photo Quiet

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“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.”

-Ansel Adams, American West landscape photographer, who was born on this day in 1902.

I don’t think he’s a famous ADHDer or anything, but it is a nice reminder that there are low-key ways we can express ourselves, and that we can shut up and just let it ride sometimes.

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Aside

Part of having ADHD as an adult, in my experience, are the feelings of negativity. I feel as though I let people down a lot, as though I’m always on the edge of being kicked out or ruining something (whether it be personal, professional, etc), that anything good I do or achieve is just some combo of unexplainable luck, and maybe worst of all, feeling like anything related to ADHD is, at its root, just a lame excuse for not being very good at this whole human adult thing.

So, I guess I’m saying that living as a happy adult with ADHD requires a lot of FAITH, of whatever kinds. Faith that I haven’t been wasting my time for the last X number of decades, faith that I really can finish something, someday (and I don’t just mean finish living! Ha!), and faith that It is okay not to finish absolutely everything I start, that I can begin an idea and inspire other people down really cool paths of their own!

Hopefully, that faith will get me through a really hard day today (which I brought upon myself, I know).

Inspiration for Adult ADHD

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Stuff You Missed in History Class

 After years of loving the podcast Stuff You Missed in History Class, I finally wrote the hosts an email.  The email was not at all what I thought it would be about, either!  I thought I’d write  them to volunteer with language and pronunciation, or to beg them to do a podcast on the history of Burana.  Instead, I just ended up writing them a request for a podcast about prehistoric creatures!

The hardest part of writing to the hosts?  Unexpectedly, it was just finding the email address!  I’m not sure why it’s not available online, but I just re-listened to an old episode, and got the prize.

In case you wanted to know, the email address is historypodcast [at] discovery [dot] com.

They’ve also got Facebook and Twitter links, which are pretty active!

Culture, Food, and Love

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This is a note I wrote to my partner months ago, but never sent.  I wonder how it applies to other couples where family backgrounds and cultural traditions are so different.

 

I know you’re not used to fanfare with meals, to the pride in preparing and serving delicious food.  Perhaps this is not a part of your culture, or maybe because you are an only child?  However, I am used to that, and it is something I really value about my culture.  I love my memories of the intricate dishes–rolling the gnocchi, stuffing the enchiladas, mincing the jalapenos, divvying up the pasta sauce so as to put the whole garlic cloves on the plates of those who love them.  I am proud to prepare meals for you, and I am proud to serve them.  In return I expect that you will welcome the food, appreciate its appearance, smell, etc, savor the flavors, and critique the dishes.  This shows energy and respect for the effort and the pride put into the preparation and serving.